What the Heart Doesn't Show

This week marks three months since we found out that we lost our three babies. I realize that they were only medically considered "embryos," but our hearts didn't, and still can't, distinguish the difference. To us, they were our children. It was one thing to be actively trying to conceive and realize when my period came that it didn't happen that month. I've been there and know exactly what that feels like. But, it's completely different to know we've created life, seen the pictures and the ultrasound photos, and then be told they didn't survive. It's a loss. A death times three. I'm lucky enough to have some amazing friends that have been through what I'm going through to offer us support-not that I'd wish this on anyone, but it's a relief knowing I'm not alone.

One friend described it this way-you get more sympathy from a broken arm-everyone can see it's broken, asks what happened, wishes you a speedy recovery. They check up on you, ask when the cast will be removed because then you'll be well. With a broken arm, you know that in 6-8 weeks, you'll have the cast removed and your arm will be mended-as good as new, but this brokenness is deep, nothing a cast can fix and nothing with a set recovery time. People that do know what we've gone through offer sympathy and words of encouragement at first, but then I think they are afraid to ask-afraid to upset us, which I can understand. I haven't been the easiest person to be around lately. I'm horrible at hiding emotions and even worse at faking a smile. I find it's easier to stay home because anywhere else the slightest most random sight or comment can set off a wave of tears. Often I end up mad at myself because I feel like I should be better or "over" this by now. But, that would mean I was making light of this situation and that's definitely not the case. I just want to have my joy back...I know I'll eventually get there, but it's something that I can't rush. I've put away the pictures and ultrasound photos, after reading the book Heaven is for Real, I decided our three children, needed names, although I've yet to speak them aloud to anyone, and Jeremy is helping me remodel the spare bedroom that was to be a nursery. The emptiness and hope for that room is just too much for me to handle. So with a little paint and some new curtains and furniture, we'll have a Razorback/craft room soon. Hopefully one day it'll be something more, but for my sanity, I needed it to have a new purpose.

Speaking of hopes, I have an entire list of them: I hope that sometime soon I can be around children without crying or feeling an immense sense of loss. I hope I can come to see my husband playing with our neice and nephews without breaking down. I see him in them, especially those Emmett dimples, and wonder what our children look like. I also see the joy that being around children brings to him and I feel guilty that I can't give him that joy with children of our own. I hope I can again hold babies and feel the joy that I used to enjoy. I hope I can go to baby showers again and feel something other than longing and self-pity. I hope I can see pregnant bellies without thinking that was supposed to be me, but for now, I'll settle for the hope that each day my heart heals just a little more than the day before.

Lady in Waiting

I feel like so much has happened since I last wrote. We went to Little Rock for egg retrieval almost two weeks ago. Pre-op was a three-ringed circus. The nurse couldn't get my blood pressure, my first iv infiltrated, and I was caught off guard when I met the doctor that was going to do the retrieval. He was not the doctor I had met and was told would be doing all my procedures. After having my arms squeezed at least ten times, the anesthesiologist took pity on me and finally got a blood pressure reading on my forearm. It was something crazy like 96/40 but she said 'it'll do!" At that point, I didn't really care as long as they quit squeezing the life out of me. Then my iv poked out of my vein and all the fluid was pouring out into the surrounding tissue in my arm. So I ended up with an "egg", a huge fluid filled sac in the bend of my arm. It finally went away about a week ago. Again, the anesthesiologist took pity on me and put in another iv. I had been poked and prodded enough by this point and the surgery hadn't even started. I was nervous to be having another doctor do the procedure. I really liked and trusted Dr. Moutos, but now we had Dr. Batrus, whom I quickly discovered the nurses love to make fun of, for his accent and nervous laughter/tick. At least the nurses and the anesthesiologist kept me laughing with their impersonations, stories, and jokes, all at Dr. Batrus' expense. I woke up in a tremendous amount of pain. I remember crying and hurting with the worst "menstrual-type" pain ever. But I wanted to know how many eggs they had gotten. We had been told to expect between 12-15 eggs, so when they told me they retrieved 5 eggs, I was really upset. 5 may sound good to you, but I knew that didn't mean 5 embryos. We were told 12-15 eggs would give us about 10-12 embryos, which would give us 2 to use now and plenty to freeze to use later if this round didn't work or for when we were ready for more children. The reason they were only able to retrieve 5 eggs was not because I only had 5 eggs that were mature, but because they discovered that my ovaries sit behind my uterus instead of beside it and tnru go deep into my pelvis. So they had a really difficult time getting to them. That's why I was in so much pain afterwards. The doctors really had to push and contort my body to try to get to the eggs. There was a great danger of puncturing my other organs as they were trying to aspirate the eggs. So they had to quit. I understand and am grateful that they did what was best for me, but I was still greatly disappointed and fearful that we'd gone through all of this and spent all this money and with only 5 eggs, it wouldn't work. I was sick at the thought that there were other eggs there, but they just had to leave them. That was a tough pill to swallow. After recovering and being given more meds for pain and nausea, my mom and Jeremy were able to take me home. The next day, Friday, Sarah emailed us to let us know that three of the five eggs had fertilized. She was so excited and said that was fantastic. The nurse on Thursday had told us to expect half to fertilize so 3 was what we had expected, although I had been hopeful for more. This was one hurdle jumped. Now we waited for the call on Saturday about the quality of the embryos and whether they had all survived the night. Dr. Batrus called late Saturday morning to tell us we had 2-2 cell embryos of good quality and 1-1 cell embryo of good quality. He also told us that we would be having the embryo transfer done the next morning (day 3) as long as the fluid that he saw in my uterus on Thursday was gone. What fluid? This was news to me. During egg retrieval he noticed that my uterus was full of fluid, which is a common side effect of all the hormone injections. But, the fluid can cause problems with the embryo transfer and if it is still present they won't risk doing the transfer. So, he told us to be at his office at 9:30 the next morning for an ultrasound. If the fluid is gone, he will go ahead with the transfer, but if it's still there, he'll have to freeze the embryos for us to use later. we prayed that Sunday morning, the ultrasound would show no fluid. My mom, Jeremy, and I decided to go ahead and drive down to Little Rock Saturday afternoon. We got there in time to have a nice dinner at Bonefish before settling in for the night. I didn't sleep well that night. Mostly because I was worried about the fluid in my uterus and about our three embryos. We got to the clinic before 9:30 and had to wait a while. Finally they called us back for the ultrasound. Thankfully all the fluid was gone and we were all set for the transfer. Dr. Batrus recommended that we transfer all three embryos that morning because one of them wasn't as good as the other two, but he gave us the choice. If we chose to transfer only two of the embryos, the embryologist would continue to watch the third one until day 5 and then decide IF it could be frozen. When we realized that there was a chance that it might not be able to be frozen and would then have to be discarded, we decided to go with the doctor's recommendation to transfer all three embryos. We wanted to at least give them all a chance at life! Sarah told us- "your body is a much better incubator than we can ever reproduce in a lab, we put them (the embryos) into the uterus and it takes over from there." So that's what we did. The embryo transfer procedure was pretty quick painless. The nurse we had was great. She was hilarious and provided us with more Dr. Batrus humor. She kept looking over her shoulder as she would talk about him or impersonate his nervous laughter/tick because she said he's like a ninja and sneaks up on you! I had to have a full bladder for this procedure so the nurse brought me a cup water. I jokingly asked her for a margarita. So when she brought me my water, she'd stuck a bright paper umbrella in it-at least I could pretend it was a fun cocktail! Jeremy got to go back to the operating room for the transfer. Before the nurse laid my bed down flat and put my legs in stirrups, the embryologist came in to go over our embryo results with us. He explained the quality and cell division of each one and also showed us a picture of them that we'd get to keep after the transfer was finished. The doctor came in then and began the procedure. He made a comment about something, followed by his funny nervous laughter. All of a sudden, the nurse, Jeremy and I all busted out laughing. We couldn't help it. The doctor, fortunately, had no idea why we were laughing. I told Jeremy and the nurse both to stop laughing because they were going to get me in trouble because I was supposed to be lying still. I had to turn away from them and try my hardest to keep it together. A friend of mine that has gone through this same process, said she'd read somewhere that laughter after an embryo transfer is supposed to be beneficial-I sure hope she's right. The process was really quick. Dr. Batrus inserted a long wire catheter into my uterus through the cervix and then the embryologist came in with a long tube containing our three embryos. We got to watch on the ultrasound machine as the doctor inserted the embryos through tube into my uterus. Before removing the catheter, the doctor had the embryologist look at the tube under a microscope back at the lab to be sure all the embryos had been transferred back to my uterus and weren't still stuck in the tube. We heard the embryologist yell, "all clear," so the doctor removed the catheter from my uterus, printed us a picture of the embryos hanging out in my uterus and then I was wheeled back to recovery. After hanging out in recovery for 30 minutes, I was able to dress, and with pictures of the embryos and the petri dish they called home for the first three days of their lives in hand, we were out of there and on our way home. I laid back in the front seat with my legs propped up on the dash the whole three hours home, despite the nurse explaining to me that they couldn't fall out! The end of this week we have our blood test to find out if we're pregnant! Since last Sunday, I've prayed every day for patience and that His plan for our three beautiful babies includes us on earth. Until then, I'll keep praying and waiting as patiently as possible...

Woohoo

Last night was my last hormone injection! Jeremy had to give me two shots last night. The first one at 8:00 was the same cocktail of hormones I've been getting for the past week, but then at 11:00 last night, he had to give me a second and final injection. This was the HcG shot to mature my eggs. It has to be given exactly 36 hours before the egg retrieval. So excited to not be a pin cushion/dart board any longer! We leave for Little Rock this afternoon. We are scheduled for egg retrieval surgery tomorrow morning at 11:00. After the doctors retrieve all my mature eggs, they will then fertilize each one by a process called 'Intracytoplasmic sperm injection' (ICSI for short). Basically they take one sperm and insert it into each egg using a needle finer than a human hair! Amazing isn't it? Then they watch them to see how many eggs become fertilized and how many embryos eventually form. Here's to safe travels and an abundance of eggs!

Hormones, Emotions, and Ovaries, Oh My!

Since my hysterical email to Sarah last Thursday, things have been going pretty well. My labs last Thursday showed an increase in estrogen to 445. Sarah's words "It's not bad!" She said the level should slowly rise to around 1500 by Sunday. So Sunday I went back to Willow Creek and asked Jeremy to go with me. The lab sent us on a wild goose chase to get registered and checked in for the blood draw. The man from the lab gave me the paperwork and told us to go to the second nurses station. When we got there, they sent us to the emergency room. The ER tried to send us back but the nurse from the second nursing station said she couldn't do the registration, so the ER nurse took pity on us and got me registered. As we left the ER and had to walk by the nurses station AGAIN on our way back to the lab, the same nurse asked us if we'd had a tour of the hospital and if not, would we like one? Seriously??? I know I'm not skinny, but I don't look pregnant either! I quickly let her know we were here for lab work and then we were headed upstairs to get an ultrasound. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I hate needles. The sweet lab man was NO good at drawing blood. I left there in tears and with yet another bruise, on my wrist this time. Once we got upstairs for the ultrasound, we were put in a room and told to wait. The doctor on call, Dr. Terry, came in and popped off "Hey, would you like a tour of the clinic too while you're here?" Mr. Funny Man had overheard the conversation at the nurses station downstairs earlier. After four different exam rooms, a bathroom break and two different ultrasound machines, he finally asked me: "Do you have both your ovaries?" Well, here came the tears! Yes I do, thank you very much. He was only able to find the right one and it still wasn't big enough. So after texting back and forth with the doctor that did my ultrasound on Thursday, they determined that I was "the worst patient ever" as far as being able to find my ovaries. Thank you-another round of tears. Based on my labs (the estrogen level was only 1327, "a very good rise" Sarah said, but not quite ready) and this ultrasound, they gave me more meds for Sunday and Monday night. Today, Tuesday, June 19th, I went back for my fifth round of labs and my fourth ultrasound, this time with Sarah from Little Rock. I love her! She's sympathetic, sweetly tells me my ovaries just like to hang out behind my uterus, and doesn't text and talk about me to other doctors while I'm in the room. I don't know the results of today's labs yet, but the ultrasound results were good. She gave me another round of meds for tonight, plus I have a shot of HcG (the HcG matures the eggs) waiting in the refrigerator at home, that I'll also give myself tonight, and then we'll be ready for egg retrieval on Thursday morning in Little Rock. It took my hormone levels and my ovaries a little longer than expected to be where they needed to be for egg retrieval, but we're finally one step closer! I am not complaining about this journey. If we're blessed to become pregnant, I know all of this will be worth it. I'm so thankful for the opportunity we've been given, and I try to find humor in it all!

Mrs. Estrogen

Following Sarah's plan, I quit taking the pill last Tuesday, went for labwork and an ultrasound last Friday, and began stimulation medication Saturday night. Sarah ordered my stimulation medication from a fertility pharmacy on the east coast and then they just ship it directly to me. I had a little bit of a freak out moment when the box arrived via FedEx! Holy crap! It was like a whole freakin' pharmacy! But, I organized everything and the first three nights' shots went really well. Jeremy is a really good shot giver. The medicine stings a little going in and I have a sore, bruised belly, but I am NOT complaining! -Just stating the facts. After three nights worth of shots, I went back for labwork to test my estradiol levels. They expect them to be between 100-200. Mine were 220. So, off to a good start. Wednesday night I had to start adding a third drug to my shot cocktail and then today I went back for another round of labs and another ultrasound to see how my ovaries were progressing. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not moody, but I don't even recognize myself right now. These hormones have turned me into a crazy person. I am so emotional. I can cry at the drop of a hat, go through periods where I don't want to be touched, looked at, or talked to, I'm exhausted, my feet, legs, and fingers are swollen, and I swear my ovaries have gotten their own pulse and must be the size of lemons!-not really but they sure feel that way. I finally had to email Sarah this afternoon after my doctor's appointment. I had a melt down when I realized I had gained 5 pounds since last Friday, despite a lack of an appetite and suffering from constant nausea, and during the ultrasound, the doctor couldn't find my left ovary and told me my right one wasn't big enough. So I sent Sarah a quite hysterical email and waited impatiently for her response and what I hoped would be comforting words. Her response "Okay, Mrs. Hormone-- or I should say, Mrs. Estrogen --- they didn't talk about "this part" of the hormone issues in our 6th grade girls assembly to discuss our periods! It's the hidden dirty secret of being a female-estrogen makes you lose your mind- I mean it makes you an emotional basket case. That is --if you're like most women and estrogen affects your mood. It certainly affects mine, talk about feeling like a crazy person- add estrogen to me and I am Looney Tunes. Screaming when I know I shouldn't, crying at commercials, acting a fool.Not to mention the fantastic water weight gain. Oh and those women that say they "feel so great" during IVF -- I want to punch them- nobody feels good with high estrogen unless you have some weird inability to react to high hormones--must be a genetic trait of some sort I don't have. Time to put away any salt products- and I mean all of them. You are retaining fluid from the high estrogen level and with that you are adding weight to your scale. The only way to combat is to stay hydrated, prop your feet, resist the temptation to wear non-supportive shoes (i.e. the most horrible shoes for any weight retention-the flip flop), and cut out as much salt as possible. No chips, processed foods (the highly processed ones), crackers, dips, and soda- hum? They don't taste salty! But, they have got it in there- except for the Sprite products. This too shall pass, it is hard to have this roller coaster of emotion. It is normal, please resist daytime TV and for the sake of your sanity--Do not watch Lifetime TV! You need to watch some comedy and laugh a bit. Try to decompress and understand this is out of your hands. You are doing everything right. The ovaries are not so easy to see, we do know that from prior US and exam. We can always go by rising lab levels to help us to determine the response to the stimulation. This afternoon we will have the labs and hopefully be able to relieve some of your worries. Please let me worry about the stimulation. You just try to remove yourself from stressful situations for a few days- no big family gatherings, no big work projects, and no big husband related work projects. The time I seriously thought about murder (not divorce-murder) was working on a pool project with my husband. Totally ridiculous, but it can happen. I don't want you to take to the bed for days but I want you to try and avoid those things that might trigger an episode of hysterical emotion, for me that would include- not going to a crowded shopping center and listening to all the screaming noises of the people, puts me on edge and triggers me to really want to run screaming. Step away from the Ledge---" -Sarah So I may be hormone-crazed, but at least I'm not alone and that's a comfort!

The "Life Saver"

I remember being so embarrassed when I had to start taking the pill at 16. What would people think about me if they found out? I sure wasn't taking it to prevent pregnancy. I was such a shy and naive teenager. I was put on it for medical reasons-to decrease the severity of my periods and to try to stop the growth of endometrial tissue. I was grateful for the pill's effectiveness! But, when Jeremy and I decided to start trying to get pregnant, I worried that being on the pill for so long was going to have negative consequences for our chances of conceiving. Little did I know, those pills are what saved our chance of conceiving. After I had fully covered from my surgery on May 4th, we were able to schedule our IVF class with Sarah from LR. We met with her Tuesday, May 29th. She went over how to mix the vials of drugs I'd be injecting into my abdomen each night, and showed me how to give myself the shot- yeah right! Like that was going to happen. I can't even watch someone give me a shot or take my blood, and they wanted me to do that to myself? I guess if I had no other choice, I'd have figured out a way to do it. But, fortunately the shots are just once a day at night and Jeremy is here to do it. Sarah gave us a plan: quit taking the pill on Tuesday, June 5th, have labwork and a baseline ultrasound done on Friday, June 8th, and start stimulation medication on Saturday, June 9th. So that's what we would end up doing. The second part of our conversation with Sarah was about my surgery on May 4th. I was so out of it after surgery that I don't remember even speaking to or seeing the doctor. But I guess he talked to me and also my mom and Jeremy. He told them that when he did the laparoscopy he noticed "a little bit" of endometriosis and went ahead and got rid of it. Sarah's version of the story was quite different. She said that since I had stopped taking the pill, the endometriosis had come back with a vengeance. It was severe, and had already attached to the wall of my abdomen, which is what was causing all the menstrual pain I had been feeling since I had quit taking the pill last September. She told me that with the endometriosis growing so fast, had they not removed it, the pain and severe periods, that I had suffered back in high school, would have been back soon, and I'd have been doubled over in pain and bed ridden for several days each month. My "Ah hah" moment: Sarah said that if I hadn't been on the pill since high school, we wouldn't even be here having this conversation. My reproductive system would have been destroyed, along with my chances of conceiving and carrying a child to term. The pill is what kept the endometriosis at bay for so many years. She said the pill keeps the endometriosis dormant and therefore it doesn't grow. So, instead of worrying about the side effects of the pill, I now rejoice and thank God for those little white "life-saving" pills. They didn't save my life, but I believe they saved our chances of conceiving life!

Am I Alive?

It's taken two weeks, but I can finally say I feel like myself again. Like bad seafood, surgery doesn't agree with me. Friday, May 4th, I had surgery in Little Rock to remove my uterine septum and also some endometriosis. We, my mom, Jeremy and I, went down to Little Rock Thursdsay afternoon to meet the surgeon, Dr. Moutos, for my pre-op appointment. He did a full on exam-which I could have done without-with Jeremy sitting right beside me. I'm not sure which of us was more uncomfortable! Before we left, Dr. Moutos had one last parting gift-a pill to soften my cervix...not a pill that you swallow...Jeremy was all to happy to help out with that Thursday night.

Friday we were up at 'em early. I had to check in at 5:30 for the 7:30 surgery. I was a nervous wreck. Having never had surgery before, I didn't really know what to expect and had this fear-when I found out they'd be putting a tube down my throat because I wouldn't be breathing on my own-that I wouldn't wake up. The nurse that took me back was really sweet and funny. Fortunately she laughed when I informed her that I'd dropped the cup in the toilet that she had given me to pee in. Jokingly, she said "I can see you're going to give me trouble." Which I guess I did, she couldn't find a good vein to put in the IV, which definitely didn't help my mood. Lucky for me, she took pity and used something to numb the area before she went on poking and prodding me. I started hyperventilating when they took me back to the operating room, so before I knew what was happening, they had me breathing in some "sleeping gas," and I was out. It seemed like only a split second before I was coming to in recovery.

Recovery-no good! I physically couldn't open my eyes. I could hear voices and was able to mumble a weak "So, am I alive?" to the nurse, and then the pain and vomitting took over. The surgery only took about 45 minutes but they kept me in recovery until after 1:00. They wanted to admit me and keep me overnight, but they finally got the pain and vomiting under control and I convinced them to let us leave, which I'm glad we did because I don't remember most of the car trip home. What I do remember though is that I couldn't swallow anything but water and the inch wide tube coming out of my nether regions and taped to my thigh, was really uncomfortable. The first time I remember being able to open my eyes was when I was being wheeled outside to get into the car to go home. I remember thinking that the sun was really bright and squinting my eyes. I slept most of the way home, only waking up to stop to pee at a McDonalds. I would soon get a taste of what pregnant women go through with having the constant urge to pee. I guess the balloon they had inserted in my uterus to hold it's shape and keep scar tissue at bay, caused extra pressure on my bladder and until they removed the balloon and tube on Tuesday, I felt like I had to pee every 30 minutes. So, I have a new found understanding for what pregnant women deal with, when it comes to the constant urge to pee. I also didn't realize that having surgery was a form of dieting. LOL I lost 9 pounds in less than a week because I had trouble swallowing, nothing tasted good and once I realized I couldn't go to the bathroom (not peeing, that wasn't a problem), I was a little afraid to eat.

Thankfully I had some great family and friends around to help me for the first few days after surgery. I couldn't have done it without them and I am also incredibly thankful for a medicine called magnesium citrate. If you don't know what it's for-good for you and be thankful! I learned the hard way-anesthesia and pain pills both cause some not-so-nice side effects. All in all, I feel incredibly blessed that my uterine septum was discovered and Dr. Moutos was able to remove it. He said that he couldn't have asked for things to go any better. So I'm continuing to look forward, not backward and Jeremy and I are both extremely hopeful for what lies ahead! I need to recover for 4 to 6 weeks and then we'll be ready to start on our IVF journey. Until next time...All my love, Melissa

We are Warriors

Yesterday's doctor's appointment didn't go as we had hoped. Sarah, the fertility specialist from Little Rock, went over my test results and performed an ultrasound, and confirmed that I have a "broad uterine septum." Basically the uterus should look like an upside down triangle, long and flat across the top and pointed at the bottom. The top of my uterus, instead of being flat, swoops way down towards the pointed part at the bottom. This isn't good and that part of the uterus (the septum) must be removed before we can proceed with IVF. If left alone, I would mostly likely lose a baby around 25-27 weeks because of a lack of room in the uterus for a baby to grow. Also, if an embryo happened to attach to the septum, it isn't blood rich, so the placenta wouldn't be able to form, the embryo wouldn't get the nutrients it needed to develop and I'd end up miscarrying after just a few weeks. So, I need to have surgery to remove the septum. My doctor here, Dr. Hinton, whom I love, isn't able to do the surgery. :-( She hasn't ever done one this "broad" and they don't have the instruments here required to do the procedure. So, we'll be headed to Little Rock for the surgery in a few weeks. We're waiting to hear back from Sarah whether it will be this month or the beginning of May. I was extremely upset by the news that I'd have to have surgery. I've never "gone under the knife" before, so it's a little scary. I had a little pity party for myself yesterday afternoon and I asked Jeremy "Why does everything have to be so hard for us?" His response, "Because we're warriors!" I've never thought of myself as much of a fighter before, but this is definitely a cause worth the fight! I am very thankful for having the HSG test. I feel like it's much better to know what's wrong and have it fixed, than to be oblivious to the problem and face a potential miscarriage later on. Knowledge is definitely power and what doesn't break you, will only make you stronger. From one warrior to another: may you find the strength to conquer any obstacle you face.

A Little Bit of Pressure

So, I went for the HSG last Thursday. I'd heard it was uncomfortable. So I thought I'd be smart and take a pain pill before Jeremy and I left for the hospital. I would be very thankful for this later! After checking in and waiting for a little bit, not too long though, (I was surprised. We all know how hospitals and doctor's offices can be with staying on time.) the nurse took me back. After changing into the gown she gave me, I had to hop up on this xray bed, well I'll call it a table because it was as hard as a rock-no 'bed' you'd ever want to sleep on!

The tech came in to do the procedure and as he's doing all the poking, prodding, and injecting of the dye, he keeps repeating "You're going to feel just a little bit of pressure" over and over and over again. 'Just a little bit of pressure' HA! More like 'a whole lotta pain!' By the time he actually injected the dye, I thought if he says 'a little bit of pressure' one more time, he's going to end up with a foot in his face. Fortunately for him, it was over by that point and he didn't repeat it again.

One a cool note though, I got to watch the monitor as the xray machine projected the images of my uterus and tubes filling with the dye. I noticed right away that the dye spilled out from both tubes-that meant they weren't blocked. YAY! Afterwards, the tech went over what we had both been watching on the screen-clear tubes, but...

There seems to be an issue with my uterus-he mentioned a possible uterine septum-another thing for me to google...But he said the radiologist would be the one to look at all the images and send a report to my doctor. Until then, I'm supposed to try not to worry. Yeah, right.

Jeremy drove me home afterwards, and then he went on to work, which gave my mom the perfect excuse to come over and "hang out," aka take care of me. Mommas are definitely the best caretakers ever.

Today, (Tuesday) Jeremy and I are meeting with Sarah, the fertility specialist from Little Rock, so she can go over the images, the radiologist's report, and perform an ultrasound to determine if I have an arcuate uterus (Another date with google!) or a uterine fibroid, and whether or not I'll have to have surgery before we can proceed. So, may the odds be forever in my favor and here's your Tip of the Day: A little bit of pressure = pain and a possible foot in the face for the person responsible.

On the Pill and Trying to get Pregnant

Yes, that's right. I'm back on the pill and trying to get pregnant. Seems crazy right? Well, I guess with IVF it's not so crazy. This month before we start the IVF process, the doctors put me on the pill so they can control my hormones. Maybe I won't be quite so moody this month...Jeremy can only hope! Thursday I'm having a procedure called an HSG to check my tubes for blockages. Most tubal blockages aren't an issue when doing IVF, since the eggs are retrieved from the ovaries and then fertilized in a dish before the soon-to-be embryos are emplanted in the uterus. But, if the blockages happen to be close to the ovaries then they can screw up the emplantation. (I won't gross you out with the why!) So the radioactive dye they'll inject into my uterus and tubes this Thursday will check to make sure there aren't any blockages, or at least none close to the ovaries. I'm a little nervous-I've heard it's painful, but I have been told there's no reason to suspect any blockages. It's something they have to do just to be sure everything's A-Okay. Although I'm really dreading this, I might as well start to get used to the idea of being poked and prodded. Once I'm through with this pack of birth control pills, it'll be time to start giving myself shots in the stomach several times a day to "rev up my ovaries and kick them into overdrive!" So until then, we'll keep looking at the positives and for me that means one more month of wine!

Joining the Blogging World

So, I'm new to this whole blogging thing. I think I've only ever read two people's blogs before, but I thought I'd jump on the "blog" wagon and give it a try. My sweet husband and I were married this past June 11th. We (well I won't speak for him), I have had the best 9 months of my life being married. But along with those 9 months of wedded bliss, have come some unexpected heartache.

Jeremy and I decided not to wait to have children. This decision wasn't taken lightly but because of our ages and my medical history, we were advised "the sooner the better," by my doctor. We were definitely okay with that because we both love children and have always known we wanted to be parents. After a few months of not conceiving and several bouts of tears, I made an appointment to see my doctor. After several tests on the both of us, we were told (I'll spare the details) that our chances of conceiving on our own were about 5% and IVF (in vitro fertilization) was suggested as our most likely route to conceiving a child.

My emotions with this news were all over the place. I had tried to prepare myself for this news, knowing my history, but any mental preparation I told myself I would do, did nothing to console our heartache. We remind ourselves, as often as we can, to focus on the positives (our love for each other, our situation isn't hopeless, a 50% chance of conceiving with IVF, etc), and to try to find humor along the way. Jeremy and I have both been poked and proded in numerous unmentionable places and have had some embarrassing and laughable moments along the way. I've also learned more about the human reproductive system in the last 2 months than I'd EVER want to know. (I'm thinking I should earn some extra college credit, or at least a certificate, for all I've researched, studied and learned!)

On February 7th, we got a call from my doctor's nurse informing us that Sarah, the fertility specialist from Little Rock would be in the Johnson office all day. She had a cancellation at 10:30 and we were able to leave work to meet with her. She was wonderful and helped to alleviate some of our stress and answer so many of our questions. It was after meeting with her that we decided to go ahead with the IVF process. So, the second phase our journey to parenthood should start the middle of April. I've never been much of a writer, but here's to hope that blogging helps us to document our journey and maybe provide us with a written account of a story worth repeating! Until next time...Much love! ~Melissa